A Restless Night

TW: mention of self-injury

I feel quite unsettled tonight. In the last few hours I’ve had two long, drawn out arguments with two different people who were supporting the MOAB strike on Afghanistan (which, clearly, was a terrible thing to happen what with all of the civilian casualties that are bound to have resulted from it).

I don’t mind arguing with people individually, but two simultaneous arguments take their toll on my socially anxious, introverted ass, and I keep thinking of great rebuttals I could have thrown at both of my opponents but am unable to since the arguments have ended now. It’s currently 1:59am and those thoughts along with a swelling anger are keeping me from sleeping. You would have thought, since social interactions normally sap my energy, that I would be sound asleep by now. Unfortunately, that appears not to be the case.

The anger that’s been brought forth has caused me to self-harm after 11 days of being clean. At risk of sounding excessively Edgy™, I needed to hurt something, and it seems that something turned out to be myself. It’s okay, though, I’m proud of making it to 11 days. I normally cut every few days, so this was a small triumph.

I’m kind of in the mood to write some fiction, and that would be great if it wasn’t so late (early?) right now. I haven’t written in so long and I want to get back into it. Maybe after I stop needing to revise so incessantly for my A Levels. I used to write all the time but now I seem to either hate every sentence I write and find it excruciatingly cheesy, resulting in me scribbling it out and never making any progress, or I just have no ideas at all. I don’t know why. It’s unfortunate.

Well, after writing out my thoughts, I’m yawning and I think I might be in a better mindset to try to sleep. Thanks for taking the time to read the post, I appreciate it.

-Phantom

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On Homicidal Ideation

Perhaps this isn’t the right place to share these thoughts, comrades, but I needed a place to extensively write about what I’m experiencing. I hope it isn’t breaching WordPress’s terms of service. 

I’ve always had problems with suicidal ideation because of my mental health, but for the last few months some homicidal ideation has started creeping in there too. I’d never carry out such an act, of course, and I don’t pretend like I would even know where to start, but… it’s concerning, to say the least. 

Thinking about it now, a few months ago was when I really started to get into leftism. I wonder if it was the environment of leftbook or some other factor that led to these thoughts. 

Regardless, I find for some reason that I feel homicidal only when indirectly provoked (for example, reading the Wikipedia article for the alt-right) and not when directly provoked (for example, after having an argument with an actual neo-Nazi). I wonder what the root of these trends are. A deep-rooted distaste of conflict, perhaps, or maybe a hatred of the movement and not individuals themselves. 

I realise that I could never go to a counsellor or therapist for these thoughts – they’re obligated to report what a client says to the relevant authorities if they’re judged to be a danger to themselves or others. I’d just end up being sectioned. 

Sometimes I wonder, though, if it would be better for me to be sectioned, for my own health and others’. I mean, it would get me the help I need, right? I’d be put on medication and these thoughts would go away, wouldn’t they? My college counsellor sure didn’t help with the one thing I came to them for, and that was just anxiety and nothing like homicidal / suicidal fucking ideation. 

Ugh. I don’t mind being violent and punching Nazis but actual homicidal ideation is a little too out there even for me.

-Phantom ☭

Cognitive Dissonance and The Army

I’ve been having some cognitive dissonance as of late, comrades. It stems, I think, from my upbringing.

Its source is the fact that I’ve always been hugely attracted to military history and military strategy, so much so that I find myself fantasising about being a military general leading a fleet of ground troops into battle. This sharply contrasts with my anti-imperialistic views, and it’s caused me some distress over the last few days.

The trouble with this is that I can’t simply justify it by addition or modification of the cognition. I can’t change the thought or my views, and I’m sure as hell not gonna ignore it. Since those are the four main ways people resolve cognitive dissonance, I’m just sorta… stuck… with this lack of internal consistency. I try to comfort myself by telling myself that it’s okay for my ideology to not be 100% pure, but that’s a weak attempt at resolving the dissonance and the fact that I’m actually trying to justify it makes me feel worse.

I hope I’ll feel better soon, comrades, but somehow I doubt it.

-Phantom

An Introduction

Hello, world. I think it would be a good idea to introduce my blog and who I am.

I’m an 18 year old student from England. As of late, I’ve been getting very involved in leftism, or anti-capitalism, and I decided to make a blog both to document my transformation from a progressive liberal to a full-blown communist, and to educate fellow liberals on issues which might be a difficult roadblock for them to navigate at first. Many leftist communities on the internet can be described as intolerant at best, and toxically hostile at worst, and in light of that I want this blog to be a safe, amicable community of fellow learners on the road to full leftism.

Whilst I do want to help people and prevent the blog from becoming an echo chamber, I will not hesitate to carry out corrective action towards those who do not want to learn and instead seek only to espouse their bigoted views and silence the oppressed. Those sorts of people won’t have their minds changed, and will only act to make marginalised groups that engage with the blog feel unsafe. Thus, they will be swiftly dealt with. As long as you’re willing to listen to marginalised people on issues affecting them, however, feel free to ask questions either in the comments section or by contacting me directly (contact details can be found here). I’ll do my best to respond in the best way I can, although this may be somewhat limited by the fact that I won’t be able to speak on behalf of marginalised communities that I am not a part of.

The blog will contain not only content pertaining to my journey towards communism, but also plenty of content relating to such topics as intersectional feminism and social justice, clarification of used terms, reading material recommendations, occasional general life updates, and others that I can’t foresee just yet.

Keep fighting, comrades. Remain class conscious. Actively evaluate everything you do. A revolution is coming, but the working class must make it happen.

-Phantom