On Homicidal Ideation

Perhaps this isn’t the right place to share these thoughts, comrades, but I needed a place to extensively write about what I’m experiencing. I hope it isn’t breaching WordPress’s terms of service. 

I’ve always had problems with suicidal ideation because of my mental health, but for the last few months some homicidal ideation has started creeping in there too. I’d never carry out such an act, of course, and I don’t pretend like I would even know where to start, but… it’s concerning, to say the least. 

Thinking about it now, a few months ago was when I really started to get into leftism. I wonder if it was the environment of leftbook or some other factor that led to these thoughts. 

Regardless, I find for some reason that I feel homicidal only when indirectly provoked (for example, reading the Wikipedia article for the alt-right) and not when directly provoked (for example, after having an argument with an actual neo-Nazi). I wonder what the root of these trends are. A deep-rooted distaste of conflict, perhaps, or maybe a hatred of the movement and not individuals themselves. 

I realise that I could never go to a counsellor or therapist for these thoughts – they’re obligated to report what a client says to the relevant authorities if they’re judged to be a danger to themselves or others. I’d just end up being sectioned. 

Sometimes I wonder, though, if it would be better for me to be sectioned, for my own health and others’. I mean, it would get me the help I need, right? I’d be put on medication and these thoughts would go away, wouldn’t they? My college counsellor sure didn’t help with the one thing I came to them for, and that was just anxiety and nothing like homicidal / suicidal fucking ideation. 

Ugh. I don’t mind being violent and punching Nazis but actual homicidal ideation is a little too out there even for me.

-Phantom ☭

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